Letting Go

I have cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have cried in a very long time.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot handle the image of Sofia and Olivia walking away from me with their backpacks on.  I try every day, hoping it will prepare me for the real event.  It’s not working.  I am not ready.

I have tried to comfort myself with the fact that I’m not weird.  Most moms cry when they send their kids off to kindergarten for the first time.  It’s so hard!  They look so little with their backpacks on.  They are still babies.  Whether it is our first child to go to school or our last, they seem so small and innocent.  They can’t get all ‘big kid’ on us and go out into the real world alone.  They still need us, don’t they?  Or maybe it’s just that we need them.  

Like most moms, I have my excuses.  My excuses for being an emotional mess are plenty.  Just ask my husband.  I think in this case, it’s a big sense of loss.  My first child just started kindergarten last year and now my babies are going this year.  Three kids heading out and growing up in a year.  That is tough.  My days as a stay-at-home mom raising my kids from sunrise to sunset are coming to an end.  That is the only life I have known for almost 7 years.

My girls have been with me basically 24/7 since they came home from the hospital.  I have once been away from them for 2 days, but other than that never more than a few hours.  They have not gone to preschool or participated in any kind of activities where I have not been there with them.  Maybe that is weird, but that’s just how we roll.  Like I mentioned, I have my excuses. 

And of course I think the way the girls came into the world has made me so unready to let them out of my protective bubble.  I could not save them in the beginning or be with them as much as I wanted, so I promised that if they survive I would never let them suffer.  I would always make sure that they are safe and loved every single day of their lives.  When they are with me, I have control over that.  When they go out into the real world, they are on their own.  How will they react if someone doesn’t want to play with them or teases them?  What if they can’t find a friend?  What if they feel too nervous to talk in front of the class and burst into tears?  What if they are too afraid to ask to go to the bathroom?  Have I prepared them well enough to handle the situations they’ll face?  Such a big responsibility I have been given and the results are yet to come.

In all honesty, I believe the girls will do really well.  This post is all about me when in fact it should be about them.  They are very excited to start school and make new friends.  And they are ready.   They are both very smart, social, friendly, and eager to learn.  I am so proud of them!  Besides, it's 2.5 hours.  Only 2.5 hours!  I think we'll all manage.  It's just so bittersweet to see two brave little girls whose future was so unsure, walking so independently into the big wide world full of possibilities.  They amazed me then, they amaze me now, and they will continue to amaze me with every single thing they do.  Oh, these girls.

Turning Five

Spring is on its way with all the new baby animals, beautiful flowers, birds singing, etc.  It’s one of the most beautiful times of the year.   They say that April showers bring May flowers.  The girls’ birth in April was the worst shower of my life, and the girls have grown up just like the beautiful flowers of May.

Some people might wonder why I continue to advertise the girls’ prematurity, when obviously we’ve overcome most of the major obstacles and from the outside the girls appear to be normal, healthy girls.  Part of me wants to shout from the mountains what the girls have overcome because I am so proud of them, and I am still touched every day by the miracle that they are.  Another part of me is probably still suffering from some type of post-traumatic stress disorder, and I just feel the need to share.  Writing is therapeutic.  Maybe sometimes I also use the girls' prematurity as an excuse for why I get so emotional sometimes, and why I think that all of the little things are such a big deal.  It’s one of those things that doesn’t go away just because you’re out of the danger zone.  I’m sure I will always have post-traumatic stress about this to some degree.  The girls will always and forever be my miracles.  I cannot imagine living in a world without them in it and we were so close to losing them.  Although it hasn’t been a piece of cake (and some days unimaginably far from it), it has been the greatest experience of my life. As I said on my blog in 2011,

I will dwell in the fact that my babies are miracles, because they are and always will be. Every single thing they do is amazing.

Your mind fears the worst when the doctor sits by your bedside as your 24-week pregnancy is coming to an end and tells you that IF your girls do survive, the chance of having future problems is very great.  In devastating moments like this, it doesn’t seem logical to hope for the best.  It seems more logical and realistic to expect that bad things are going to happen and to mentally prepare.  IF we defeat the odds and both girls survive, what is the chance we’re going to come away from this with 2 healthy and happy girls?  For days, weeks, and even months we had to think about things like: What if one of the girls dies?  What if both of them die?  What if they are mentally handicapped?  What if they are physically handicapped?  What if they will never walk?  What if they can never go to a ‘normal’ school?  What if they can’t show emotions and hug us?  What if they won’t have a happy life?

Every time the girls have reached seemingly ‘normal’ developmental milestones, it has been far from normal for us.  It has been a time to celebrate and reflect on what tremendous fighters these girls are.  Every day I thank my lucky stars.  Any time I see a severely emotionally or physically handicapped child in a wheelchair, my heart goes out to the parents.  I feel like that could have been us and it tears me apart. It brings back all the fears and worries that I used to have.  How did we get this lucky?  We have minor behavioral issues and a scratchy voice to deal with.  We won the lottery.  Two times.

The best comment I’ve gotten recently regarding Sofia and Olivia:

Your girls are so full of life! 

Wow, what a compliment.  After witnessing these same little girls weighing just one pound and fighting to live, what a beautiful thing to hear.  And the great thing is, it’s true.  Sofia and Olivia are hopping around like little bunnies wherever they go.  They are full of life, full of energy, full of girlish silliness.  They go up and talk to strangers.  They make people laugh.  They make people smile just by looking cute. 

I know I have said this before, but I wish so badly that I could have seen pictures of the girls as they are now when I was sitting next to their incubators 5 years ago.  The amount of fear and worry would have been so much more tolerable.  That said, I think the fear and the waiting is what makes everything so much more rewarding now.  We waited 2 weeks to hold the girls, 6 weeks to hear them cry for the first time, 124 days to take them home for good, almost 2 years to take them out without fear of germs in public places (although the experience has still left me a slight germaphobe).  Now they are such big girls with wonderful personalities...and they are going to school in the fall!   

This whole experience has changed our lives.  Tero and I are surely very different people than we would have been had we had healthy babies.  Probably the most important lesson we have learned is to never take things for granted.   You never realize how lucky you are and how good life is until something devastating happens.  Live every day as joyfully as you can.

I still can't believe 5 years have passed since this day...   

And look at them now...

Happy 5th Birthday, Sofia and Olivia!

Happy Mother's Day!

Being a mother has been the most overwhelming experience of my life.  The worry, the guilt, the joy, the love.  It’s all overwhelming.  Some days I am so exhausted that I wonder when it’s going to get easier.  Some days I am so happy I feel like my heart is going to explode.


My beautiful kids....

Matias Onni

Sofia Isabelle

Olivia Addison

My kids have given me the best and worst moments of my life so far. 

Matias’s birth was a horrible experience, but seeing his face for the first time was the happiest moment of my life.

The girls' first days were probably the worst of my life...

but all of their ‘firsts’ afterwards were unbelievably wonderful- like holding them together for the first time when they were 6 weeks old.

Good days and bad, motherhood is a true blessing.  I am by far happier than I have ever been in my life.  I never get to do anything alone, but I never have to be alone.  What a nice feeling.  My kids are my friends, my little buddies.  They make me laugh, they make me cry, and they make me feel like I have such a purpose in life.  I am important.  They need me and I need them.  I have a family, and that’s all I ever really wanted.  

When I see all of my Mother's Day pictures lined up from the past 4 years, I realize yet again how quickly time is going.  My babies are all kids now.  What a difference a few years makes!

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful mothers out there.   Whether you have children in your arms, in the hospital, or in heaven...you deserve Mother's Day every day!

Culture Shock, Part Three- The Best Parts!

First I would like to apologize if my last post about the preschool stuff sounded too whiny or offended anyone.  Totally not intended!  I think preschool can be a wonderful thing and most kids probably benefit greatly from it.  I was just wondering in my own particular circumstance if it's absolutely 100% necessary to put my kids in preschool if I don't really want to.  I don't want to get stuck into the 'everyone's doing it' mentality and put my kids there only for that reason.  Just wanted to hear other people's opinions (both Finnish and American), so thank you for sharing!  I think we will keep our kids at home for now and I will use the money saved to buy all sorts of fun arts and crafts stuff to do at home.  Yay, shopping! Shopping makes mommy happy...and happy moms make happy kids, right? :)

Because most of you have heard from me about how happy I am and how much I'm loving life here, here are the more positive aspects of the culture shock....


Variety rocks
I LOVE the variety in the shops here in the US.  There is so much fun stuff, so much colorful stuff.  Everything is just fun.  Bathtub crayons, crafty stuff, baking stuff.  Plus things are quite a bit cheaper than in Finland, so I feel like I can buy a lot more stuff (for the kids, for example :)) without spending more.

Fun, fun, and more fun
The amount of activities for kids and stay-at-home moms is amazing.  The kids' hobbies are one of the few things that are more expensive here than in Finland, but they are also extremely fun and the kids really enjoy them.  We have soccer for all the kids, a Kindermusik class, Finnish School, and a mom's club/playgroup with speakers once a month.  We've also made a few friends and meet up with them for shopping or playdates. We are super busy and it's a huge change from our calm stay-at-home life in Finland...but we like it!

Bigger (not always better, but sometimes it's useful!)
Everything is so much bigger here than in Finland.  The houses, wow!  The cars.  Cartons and packages of food.  Shampoo containers.  I had to go to the store almost every day in Finland because our fridge was so small, and the packages of food were so small.  Plus, our apartment was so small that I didn't have room to really store 'extras'.   Now I only have to go to the grocery store about once a week here.  It's great!  The space we have to organize (and hide!) all of our stuff and the space for the kids to play in makes our house a really nice and happy place to be.  I feel so happy to finally live in a place that feels like a real home.

Family
I can call and text my family anytime I want without having to worry about the 9-hour time difference.  I talk to my mom several times a week for free.  I get to go and visit my new niece and nephew because it's only a one-hour flight from here.  Several relatives can come for the girls' birthday party and several more will probably come and visit us this summer.  I love being a hostess and I love the fact that we are going to have visitors!

Life is just easier
My life seems way easier than in Finland.  I guess I didn't know how hard it was until it got easier. :)  I can drive everywhere with the kids and take them to fun places without too much hassle.  I don't need to bundle 3 little kids up in layers and layers of outdoor gear to go outside since we don't even have to go outside to get to our car.  I don't need to use a stroller anymore because there are shopping carts in most stores.  Our grocery store even has a cart that fits 3 kids (2 up on top and one down below in the car).  The kids are happy and content to be at home as well because of the amount of space they have to play.  We also have a backyard where they can play if the weather is nice.  It's great!

So, besides some issues that will take some time to get adjusted to (the health care and education systems for example), we are extremely happy that we made the decision to move here.  All of that hard work was totally worth the effort. :)

Don't they look happy? 

Culture Shock, Part Two- Preschool Blues

My 4-year-old Matias

In Finland, kids starts school when they are 7.  They usually don't know how to read then (some of my first graders knew a bit), but by the end of the year they are all reading and writing fluently.  If you follow the news, you also know that Finland places in the very top in educational test results.  The education system there is great.  Let kids be kids and start school slowly.  First graders only go to school about 4 hours a day.

Here it is WAY different, and so competitive.  Ugh.  Kids need to do this and this and this and this to get a head start for kindergarten.  They need to go to preschool or they will be 'so behind'.  They should be reading when they start kindergarten.  WHAT?  If people are pushing their kids so much here at such a young age, why is it that the Finnish kids are smarter?  It's probably partly the quantity over quality mentality again.  Or is it just because Finns eat so many blueberries?  I heard that blueberries make you smart.  I don't know, but I think the education system here needs a huge change.

I was a bit shocked at one of my first mom meetings, some moms were eagerly asking what preschool Matias was in.  I said that he just turned 4 and he's still at home with me.  They went on to advise that the registration for next fall is right now, and you have to be quick to get a good place.  They also said how important the preschool is in preparing the kids for kindergarten.  I told them that kids in Finland start school when they're 7, so that I hadn't really thought about it yet but that I would definitely look into it.  I did look into it and was quite shocked to see that for my 3 kids to be in preschool only 3 hours a day, 2 days a week it would cost nearly 1000 dollars.  If they would need 3 hours every day, then closer to 2000.  And all day every day, about 3000 dollars a month.  This is NUTS.

First of all, I am a teacher.  I have studied education and have taught for 10 years.  I am constantly reading books about development, discipline, toddler activities, etc.  I know a fair amount about what kids need at certain ages and what is good for their develop.  Secondly, I love to do arts and crafts with the kids.  I love to read to them.  I love to teach them how to mix colors, how to mold play-doh, how to draw circles, how to identify and write their names.  Thirdly, my kids have each other to socialize with and learn all about patience and sharing.  We go out and spend time in playgroups/hobbies with other kids almost every single day.  My kids are definitely not lacking in the socialization department.

So, do I NEED to put my kids in preschool?  Are my kids going to be behind?  I really don't think so.  Matias just turned 4 and he already knows how to count to 100, how to write his name, how to write numbers, and how to identify all of the different types of clouds in the sky.  If you need to learn more about cumulonimbus clouds or cirrus clouds, just ask our own little meteorologist!  Plus, the kids are happy.  I am happy.  We have only a little over a year before Matias starts kindergarten and from then on out I will never have this amount of time to spend with my kids.  They will be in school for the rest of their lives until they move out on their own.  That makes me sad!

If I notice that Matias is getting really bored and needs something extra, maybe we will consider it.  But at this point,  I am ready to just keep him at home with me and keep him young and innocent as long as I can.  There is plenty of time to grow up and learn new things in school, even at the ripe old age of 5 and a half.

It goes fast, people.  Slow down and enjoy!

Culture Shock- Part One (Getting in my car with no coat to go eat a huge amount of artificial food with super friendly people)

After living in Finland for over 12 years, I was preparing for a bit of culture shock after our move to the U.S. this fall.  Oddly enough, I haven't had any kind of shock at all.  Yeah, things are different, but I wouldn't say that I'm shocked.  There are some really great things about Finland that I miss (especially my friends!), but there are also some really great things about the U.S. that I am enjoying.   Here are a few of the most notable changes in our lives:

Parks and outdoor clothes-
As a stay at home mom in Finland, taking the kids to the park in the morning was a daily routine.  There were usually at least 10 moms in our little neighborhood park to chat with while the kids were playing.  No matter the weather, we had great clothes for it: rain gear, snow gear, sun hats, you name it.
Here, our neighbor park is empty.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  When the weather has been beautiful and the sun has been shining, there have not been other kids to play with.  I have asked a few moms here about this, and they have said that the reason is that it's too cold.  45 degrees (+10 C) in January is too cold?  Huh?!?  And then I figured it out.  There was a day where another girl and her family were leaving the park as we arrived and I was surprised at what she was wearing.  She had ballerina shoes with no socks, leggings, and a lightweight spring jacket.  No hat, no gloves, no proper coat.  Not sure if that's the norm here (because I never see anyone outside) but that would make it pretty easy to understand why people think it's cold.  We went for a hike a few weeks ago when it was also about 45 degrees.  My kids had fleece jackets with a waterproof jacket and pants over the top, plus hats and gloves.  One 3-year-old boy we saw walking down the mountain had only a long-sleeved shirt and jeans.  I can't even imagine what people are thinking when they see my kids with all their gear on.

Food-
Oh my, American food.  Doritos, Oreos, Costco muffins, corndogs, mac and cheese.  Cheesecake Factory, Red Robin, Applebees, Starbucks.  There is so much yummy food here and there are so many fun family restaurants to go to with the kids.  The portion sizes are ridiculous, but we were prepared for that.  The food from the store is what has taken some getting used to.
When I've looked at the packages in the store, I have been amazed (and grossed out) at the list of ingredients.  It's really important to check the labels here!  There is so much artificial stuff that sometimes the food doesn't even taste 'real'.  It makes you wonder what it is you're actually eating.  The food seemed to taste better and healthier in Finland.
There if of course an organic option for most things, but even that is hard to trust anymore since there is so much of it.  I especially love it when a label advertises, 'only NATURAL** ingredients', and the bottom of the box has some small text to explain how it's actually not really natural.
Like I have said in my food blog, I am totally not obsessed with organic food or anything like that.  I just try and make a healthier version of something if I know how (and especially if it tastes better than the artificial crap!).
One great example is that in Finland there aren't really canned soups.  When I was cooking and needed a can of cream of mushroom or cream of chicken soup, I just made my own from scratch.  It's really easy (takes 5 minutes) and tastes really good.  When we moved here I thought, 'Great, now I can save some time and just used the canned soups.'  That is, until I looked at the list of ingredients on the can that I bought.  My cream of whatever soups have about 4 ingredients plus some spices.  The canned soups I bought here have way more ingredients, some of which I can't even pronounce.  I think I will continue making my own!  I used to eat all of this stuff when I lived here before, but maybe my taste buds have changed since living in Finland.  Well, I know they have considering that pea soup and salmon are now 2 of my favorite things to eat when 12 years ago I wouldn't have touched either of those foods with a 10-foot pole.

The necessity of cars-
This is both good and bad.  I really don't like being dependent on a car.  In Finland I never needed one.  I loved that a bus or train or tram or metro could take me wherever I wanted to go quite easily.  I loved that I could walk to the store, the park, the mall, the post office, the library.  I walked everywhere and got free exercise while I was at it.
Having said that, I LOVE having a car here now.  I can just take the kids in the car whenever I want and drive anywhere...a friend's house, hobbies, the store, IKEA, wherever!  Anywhere!  Whenever!  No checking bus schedules, no waiting at bus stops with grumpy kids, no worrying about missing a bus connection.  Just driving the car, singing kids' songs, and going wherever we feel like going.  It's so great!  I feel such a huge sense of freedom.
After the girls were born, I was so trapped at our home in Finland.  Not only could I not go anywhere with the girls for the first year because of their condition, I couldn't too easily go anywhere anyway.  The huge twin stroller didn't fit on the old trains or trams, and I also didn't fit in the buses if there was already another stroller in the bus.  This made going anywhere a nightmare because I couldn't guarantee that after 10 minutes waiting in the rain at a bus stop that I wouldn't actually even be able to get on the bus anyway.  I didn't too often go anywhere with the kids except the neighborhood shops.  I think having a car is one of my favorite things about being here.  Life just feels so much easier.  Plus, there is so much fun stuff to do! (More on that later...)

The people-
I really really really like Finnish people.  Most of the time I feel I'm more Finnish than American because I feel so comfortable around Finnish people.  They are just honest and genuine.  There is a stereotype that Finns are really quiet and hard to get to know.  Maybe that's true in the beginning.  But if you can speak a little Finnish (or even if you can't) and make an honest effort, I think you can make some pretty amazing friends.
Americans have the opposite stereotype put on them.  They are 'Super Friendly' and 'Super Fun' and 'Super Outgoing'.  I kind of like this.  I like people saying hi to us as we pass them on the street.  I love people coming up and making cute comments about the kids.  However, I find it almost harder to make friends with Americans because almost everyone is nice and you can't always be 100% sure when the friendliness is sincere or not.  If someone says, 'Yeah, let's definitely meet up again!', there is a chance that they don't really care if they ever see you again.  If a Finn says they want to see you again, they do!


To be continued....

Lucky

I wrote this blog entry about 2 years ago and never published it.  Not sure why, but I guess better late than never.
I had made a promise when the girls were born that I would never ever again complain about my kids or how difficult my life was....because I couldn't imagine anything being harder than watching the girls suffering in the hospital.  I am, however, human. The kids have been...ummm, a bit challenging these last few weeks.  It feels like the terrible twos times 3.  I think it's partly a post-move reaction and also a change in nap times, daily routines, food, etc.   I'm glad I found this old post.  I do know how lucky I am, so I need to sometimes just slow down and remind myself that this 'bad' is not anywhere near the 'bad' that I know exists.
Why am I lucky?  I'm lucky because I grew up with good parents, good brothers, good friends.  I am lucky that I had the courage to move to Finland when I was 21 and to eventually find the man who would be the father of my children.  I am lucky that I had a job I loved for 10 years.  And most of all, I am lucky that I get to be the mom of these three fantastic kids.  I love these guys to pieces, bad days and all.

*********************************************************************************

January 2011

After what happened to us last year, most people probably wouldn't consider me the luckiest person in the world. I believe that seeing your own babies fighting to stay alive and almost losing them has to be one of the most devastating experiences a person can have.  And I am no stranger to tragedy, having had a few other quite traumatic experiences in my life as well.

And yet I would still say that I'm lucky.

Although it is less than fun to experience heartache, I believe that it has its purpose (as everything does). Something good can usually come out of something bad. At least for me, the trauma and drama in my life has given me a whole new perspective and a greater appreciation for basically everything. Of course I wouldn't ever purposely choose to have bad things happen to me, but it these events have made me a better, stronger, and happier person today. I am able to find joy in the smallest miracles of everyday life. I don't take anything for granted, especially my kids. It takes so little to amaze me, to make me happy, to make my heart overflow with love, to move me to tears. I know that I would have loved my children to pieces no matter how they entered the world, but the love I feel now is just impossible to describe. It is overwhelming. My heart melts 100 times a day. Almost every day I imagine how utterly unbearable it would have been if one (or both) of the girls had died....and it makes me cry. No matter how tired I am, how grumpy the kids are, how rough the day is...it is not as bad as living with the sadness of what could have happened. So I try not to complain.

Sometimes I have been a bit bothered by status updates and comments that I read on Facebook...or maybe bothered isn't the right word. Just sad, I guess. I feel like a lot of people don't appreciate life or truly understand how lucky they really are. I know that everyone has their own trials in life, big and small, but it's hard to be bombarded by the negative messages I read sometimes. I remember shortly after the girls were born reading about how some people had 'the crappiest day ever' because they left their umbrella at home and got a bit wet in the rain....or they just cleaned the floor and then dropped a carton of eggs....or maybe because someone was a bit rude to them in the check-out line. If only those were the biggest problems in life! As I prayed for my extremely sick babies, I wished that my problems would be so small.

I know that some people haven't experienced devastating events in their lives, and that may make them feel pretty darn lucky. For some people, dropping a carton of eggs on the floor might really be the worst thing that has ever happened. I'm not so sure how lucky that really is though. Life is full of disappointments....lots of small ones, and quite a few big ones. Maybe if you never experience the big ones, the small ones that happen all the time would probably annoy you over and over again....making you feel pretty grumpy. But if you have a big one (or two or five), perhaps you realize how totally insignificant all of those little ones really are....and you will enjoy life more in the long run. Some of the happiest and most positive people I've met are ones who have overcome huge trials in their lives.

I don't really know what my purpose was for writing this blog. I guess I just wish everyone knew how much they have to be thankful for.  I wish people could know and feel the joy that I do.  I wish that no child would ever taken for granted.  Of course it's ok to complain once in awhile.  Everyone has bad days and all moms are tired. Believe me, I know.  We have our share of 'Calgon, take me away' moments around here too!  Just try to think of all the joy children bring to your life as well. If you feel like you had the worst day in the world (maybe you did!), it's ok to shout it out to the world.  Just remind yourself that there are probably many millions of people who would trade their bad day for yours.  No matter how you might feel in any particular moment, you have so much to be thankful for.  Things can always be worse.   I'm pretty sure that life has a way of balancing everything out in the end.  If you have horrible days, you will most likely have some pretty good ones just around the corner.  If you have really big lows in your life, you will also have some huge highs.  If you don't know sadness, you can't truly know happiness, right?

Smiles, laughter, and happiness are contagious.  It would be great if everyone could do their best to spread the love and joy they have in their lives.  We are all lucky in one way or another.  Why are you lucky?